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From a Professional Gay Matchmaking Guru: 2019’s Top Ten List of “Why You May Be Single.”

March 13, 2019

professional gay matchmakingWell, Valentine’s Day is long over and done with, and now we approach a quarter of the year being over. This HAS to be the year we fall in love, right? I wish I didn’t have this super power, but because of my hyper-perceptive behavioral skill set (I mean, I also wrote a book about some of these specific personality traits) and me working for a professional gay matchmaking service, it’s almost a guarantee that I can tell why a person is single. I wish it wasn’t true. So, let me give you my updated list of “10 Reasons Why” for 2019, and who knows, maybe you’re the culprit of your own relationship status. Please pardon my unfiltered approach, but sometimes we need it, right?

#1 – You don’t have time to date.
I’m guilty of this one. If your next two weeks are booked solid, then planning a month in advance approaches the first impression territory of “he’ll never make time for me.” As a professional matchmaker working for a professional gay matchmaking service, a majority of the time, I’m planning no more that 2 weeks out. So many unpredictable commitments can come up when planning more than that amount of time. If someone shows a concerted effort, follow up with them. If you say, “I’ll get back to you” and never do, in this impatient day and age, consider that a “thank you, next” from the other party.

#2 – You cancelled the date and have to reschedule.
If the date “dies,” it’s your fault if you cancelled the first date. It is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to plan the rescheduled date in that case. Yes, coordinate and pick a time and place. Bonus points if you offer to go to his neighborhood and ask him to suggest some of his favorite casual spots. Triple bonus points if you actually call him to apologize. If you are on the receiving end of this, be okay with that effort. Make the best of someone trying to make it up to you. Be a gentleman and let there be a mutual respect of time. Whatever you do, do not cancel a date mere hours before you are supposed to meet. This is my number pet peeve, having working for a professional gay matchmaking service for years. That guy would have rather hung out with his friends, went to the gym, or went home for some “me” time.

#3 – You are a bad communicator.
How many times have you heard, “sorry, I’ve been busy.” You are referencing something negative someone has heard time and time again. Seriously, no one is THAT busy to respond to a simple text in a timely manner. A guy using professional gay matchmaking that waits 2 to 3 business days to get back to me on his thoughts regarding a potential match usually falls into this category. People don’t realize that their excuse for poor communication habits are not “unique.” Meaning, the “he’ll understand how busy I am” inclination isn’t valid anymore. A lot of introductions die because one person feels like he’s driving the conversational horse all the time – that can get exhausting and very quickly at that. People want to know that putting their eggs slowly in the dating basket will result in a proverbial and communal frittata and not him having any left at all, even for himself.

#4 – You are waiting way too long to meet someone.
You meet someone in person, online, or via an app and have been chatting for a day or so. My rule is that if nothing is set up within 2 or 3 days, move on. The most successful dates I’ve been on or have set up  from my professional gay matchmaking career over the years followed this expedited timeline. The “give a person a chance” forgivable excuse is now eradicated. No one wants to wait on the potential of a date – they want the real deal. It’s all about meeting in person (again) and taking a chance – you gotta do it, my friend! If you threw the ball in someone’s court, you’ve done your part – it’s their turn now to volley back.

#5 – You wait too long to plan the next date.
I’ve seen many studies citing that daters often think it is “too much” to text someone after a positive first date experience. Honestly, it’s hogwash to me. Who doesn’t like to know if the date was worth their time? When someone is working with professional gay matchmaking, we’re going to get the answer out. Most of us love hearing that we “did a good job.” I’m all about keeping the ball rolling and keeping the excitement elevated and perpetual. I’m trying to bring back the “Honeymoon Phase.” Instead of saying something generic and ambiguous like, “let’s hangout again soon,” take the chance, and let it be more specific: “Tonight was fun, thanks for meeting me. I have another ticket to a Killers concert on Saturday, if you’re interested.” If things don’t work out, you’ve done your due diligence.

#6 – You don’t realize that you are not ready to emotionally date.
After a few nice dates, I remember one January was the month of doom and gloom dating a few men crying in my car about not being ready to date again because of an ex situation. I’ve always been an advocate of knowing when you are ready to date by how you feel about getting rejected again and again. It was a hard lesson to learn that not everyone dates and respects each other’s time as I try to do. I’ve taken many dating pauses from the frustration of being flaked on or misled too many times to count in a short amount of time. I never want to go into dating hot-headed. Some people need a lot of time to focus on themselves, build themselves back up through a community of sorts, to then get back into the traffic jam of dating. Patience is such a defined virtue in this way, and people that do best, look at every date opportunity as a positive experience, regardless of it being a match or not.

#7 – Your energy is reading “not ready for a long-term commitment.”
I’m all about being flirty, but less is more. Tell him a short compliment when you first see him, but don’t immediately massage his hands during your brunch. Yes, that has happened to me before, and many times. If the match is indeed a match, there will be plenty of time to explore his sexiness or sexual side. If you are on your phone all the time, that screams, “you are not as important to me, and I’ll give you my undivided attention when it is convenient for me.” If your Instagram is a plethora of shirtless selfies, think about what he thinks when you ask him for his and when he peruses yours. In my experience, a lot of millennials look at that as a catalogue of your lifestyle. He’s judging you, as everyone does in the beginning of a potential connection with someone – it’s a safety tactic of time investment. Let’s face it, no one will be a model or “influencer” anymore if Instagram decides to crash and burn tomorrow.

#8 – If applicable, your dating profile sucks.
Your photos are terrible (blurry, too many selfies, wearing sunglasses, you’re with too many of your attractive friends, you practically naked in most of them). You write either nothing, something not unique or ambiguously minimal, and/or something along the lines of “I’ll get back to writing about myself later” in your bio section. To me, the more you write (as long as it isn’t multiple paragraphs), the more filtering you do on your own. Let people filter themselves out and do the work for you. The more work you place on yourself, the more frustrated you may become in balancing expectations. People get frustrated with online dating because they only figure someone out via transactional texting or messaging. They may even take a full gamble and meet in person without realizing they made up the person they wanted to meet in their head. Sadly, it may turn out it’s quite the opposite in the flesh. Be specific in your profiles. People like to know you’ve done your relationship homework, unless you’re newly gay and/or super young and have the time to date to figure yourself out. I think a lot of people want to have this nonchalant “cool cat” “I’m not in a rush” “no pressure” attitude, but at the end of the day, you should care how you spend your time and with whom. There should be a little bit of pressure to make you honorable to your commitments. One guy at one of our more recent professional gay matchmaking events said it correct: “I’m really open but also being really picky at this point in my life, so unless I see strong potential for something meaningful, I’m not (going to go on a date with him).” He also was liked by every single person in his group. People can “feel” that confident energy.

#9 – You are not as physically “active” as you say or think you are.
I can definitely speak for the Los Angeles surface-based gay man, having worked with him for so many years now. I’ll always remember dating a guy who told me we were “going on a hike” for one of our first dates. Here I am wearing some cute sneakers and then he looks at me and says, “are you sure you want to wear those?” We legitimately went rock climbing without safety harnesses. Boy, was he testing my athletic prowess. Good for him. I’ve ran into many profiles and clients working with a professional gay matchmaking service that say they want a physically fit guy. There entails a lot of subjectivity: does that mean he is in the gym 5 or 6 days a week, is doing Krav Maga or yoga, or only walks up a hill on his lunch break? Keep in mind, based on activity level, that dictates lifestyle and the allocation of time towards it. Someone similar to you will know why you are making it a priority to go to the gym: for vanity, to sleep better, joint mobility, for stress relief, etc. Like minds want other like minds to join them in something that is important to them, like fitness. Speaking from personal experience, I am a fairly active guy, and would say I am not an adventurous eater or would readily go on some type of “foodie” tour. Guys that aren’t as regimented as I would probably want to experience those types of things with his partner more frequently. I’m all about splurging, but a normal one for me is some frozen yogurt with fresh fruit. Another matchmaker from a professional gay matchmaking company had set me up with one of her clients and she implored how he was “very active.” This guy shows up and is at least 30 pounds overweight and talked about how he gets the munchies all the time (he was in the cannabis industry). On the other hand, I remember dating a fella that literally never had dessert, never had a cheat day, and only ate grilled chicken breast.  So, on this scale, I can’t date a 5, but can’t date a 10 in this way. I fall right in between a 7 and 8, and that is what I’ve looked for in the past.

#10 – Your preference of monogamy or polyamory.
I’ve seen such an influx of this conversation as of late. It’s great to responsibly define the best love you can give, receive, and deserve; however, that entails straightforward communication and honesty. For our professional gay matchmaking service, we are strictly catering towards monogamous men, as they are more predictable from a scientific matchmaking standard. It’s imperative to define this preference in the very beginning. If you are unsure, you are probably geared more towards polyamory. True monogamists are not even wired to be a “maybe” or an “eventually.” People always ask me the pros and cons for this preference and something I wrote in my book helps me define what is right for an individual: “does monogamy come naturally to you?” It’s never fair to “convince” someone to be like you in this way. It will never work out, I promise, for the interest of both parties.

Filed in: Dating Tips

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