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m4m: Make Your Move

November 8, 2017

m4mI revert back to my single days and try to notice if I was at fault at not making the move of my pawn or knight correctly or fast enough, or to even finish the game at all. Due to my East Coast style of communication, people often think because I have a relatively calm demeanor, that that must make me a passive, glib person. My true friends can attest that I can be somewhat extroverted, straightforward, and extremely planned. And on the other hand, I have heard that I am extremely hard to read and how it can take a very long time for me to bring someone into my life, whether that be a platonic friend or even a potential lover. Since there are many facets of my personality, I can see how a m4m person can see me as someone who would be uninterested or that person “playing the game” itself.

As I have gotten older, I’m realizing that I want to take the back seat on instigating plans because my life at its present has become sparse for me to be more social. It has never been an issue of laziness or “I need to be taken care of,” but it’s more like I can be a good friend or partner and offer a time and place. Having been doing that practically my whole life, I guess I just want the ease of someone doing that for me, too. Is everyone in the m4m community in Los Angeles like this? Gosh, I hope not. Like me, some people just get bent out of shape from serving a ball across the court of life and getting nothing back. Our lives go through all sorts of ebbs and flows, but it’s important to be honest with yourself and others when that occurs to keep your and their sanity. In my work environment, I often get complimented on how fast I respond to people. I assume as a m4m society we are just so used to only having lackluster communication style where we feel we have to hound someone to get an effective response?

m4mI have always been an advocate of being too forward than passive when it comes to establishing a clear “game plan” when you first meet someone. I called someone out in the m4m community the other day: “I have offered to hang out with you three times and every time I offer, you say ‘maybe’ or never offer an alternative. If you really care to spend time with me, then you should show a little bit more respect since my time is no more valuable than yours.” Some people would just ghost me and not respond, and you know what, good riddance! I could care less. However, the few that realize that they were not being responsible, will realize their fault, apologize, and take the hint that their maturity in time management has been lackluster. I remember being on a dating app and a fella literally told me “we should hang out” at least 7 times within a month of time. He, a m4m, was slightly over 40 and should make a game plan, and not to mention, never responded timely after we created a flow to our rapport. My trust in him was lost. He told me how good looking I was but didn’t do anything about it. What is sexy is being proactive, a masculine trait. So make the plan! Flattery, a more feminine trait, gets you nowhere in this instance, sorry. If you only want responsible, casual sex, great, set it up. If you want a relationship, then set that up, too. Notice I am trying to eliminate grey m4m area. The grey area people are the sideliners that normally are dealing with confidence, vulnerability, or scheduling issues, or are just completely oblivious to their surroundings. We also have m4m people that present themselves in a way that they think makes them seem more attractive, but then again you don’t want anyone falling for an imitation of someone.

Establishing the type of “rules” for the game you which to play with someone is vital in the beginning. Usually, that conversation will weed out those m4m men who say they want a relationship, tell you they love you, but are still clearly dating around, and not showing you any signs of progression. I’ve always been realistic and assume people I would be currently dating are sleeping with others, dating around too, until that exclusive conversation happens. I cannot blame anyone for exploring multiple game pieces before they find their lucky one and feel good about their decision wholeheartedly. The “playing games” trepidation occurs when it seems the ground rules have been made and they conflict with an assumption versus and actuality. On the other hand, it could also mean there were clear ground rules of intention set and then someone likes to be a rule breaker or cheater. If someone is a little more assertive in the beginning, I believe the latter would be hard to achieve, and the Scaredy Cat would leave you alone and not waste your time preemptively.

With all of this, I also want to bring forth the notion of being in a mental space where you want inconsequential rules and also you are honest about the way you wish to play this type of “game.” Some m4m people need a game that requires an extensive time commitment and strategy and others just want to play a simple grownup version of “tag” for a night. Either way, it’s important to establish expectations and a strong level of communication to keep things going in some direction. And of course, sometimes you just roll the dice and score a m4m winner naturally.

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