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Gay Partner and Just Keep Breathing

January 28, 2019

Sometimes I forget to breathe. I’m sure I am not alone. I spend a lot of time thinking about my ideal gay partner. I’ve always been a perfectionist since I was very little. My elementary school teaching-mother had me on a star chart of sorts, rewarding me for always making my bed, brushing my teeth, etc. At a very young age, I always knew that striving for my best and then some would always place me in the best state of control in my life. Because many of those things were in my control, I would remember going into these fuming mental tantrums because things didn’t go exactly as I planned them. I was trying to control every aspect of a lot of tasks and even when I was in fact successful, I still was unhappy.

gay partnerAs I’ve gotten older, searching for my gay partner, I have been able to let go of a lot of things, but sometimes those haunting behavioral remnants taunt me to no end. I remember a day that included some holiday traveling where everything seemed to just not work and go wrong. I felt mentally exhausted since I felt this heightened sense of stress and urgency for a solid 13 hours. Towards the end of that day, I was much like a numb vegetable.

Through that turmoil, comes the light within myself always seeking harmony and optimism. For one minute, I needed to release the pressure and realize that I still made it to where I needed to be. I look at this way of thinking and I wonder how many of us are having hidden conversations of expectation with our gay partner in our life, and start to frustrate ourselves on why a gay partner doesn’t read our mind exactly how we want them to. When you want something, ask your gay partner. When you want a desired task to be done, make it known to your gay partner. The guy that doesn’t check in with you after you’ve initiated most of the conversation and left the ball in his court to hang out again, you say “thank you, next.” Silent resentment only builds over time, and it’s always best to be honest. That’s the only way there is progress in any sense, and you’ll eventually get the answer you are seeking. And if there is no answer, then that is your answer. If I feel like I’ve done a good job at being proactive in any way in my life, and gave it my all, if things don’t work out, I can know I left that task or date knowing I gave it my all. I was the best potential gay partner for someone. That’s good enough for me, and keeps me positive. I had to remember that all of my battles might not be a “win,” but the effort from learning something new out of my comfort zone was never a loss.

With this mindset, one can easily apply this to dating someone out of their “normal.” You should say ‘yes’ to the person that makes a concerted effort to take you out when you are only feeling 50% sure. Give yourself the opportunity to be surprised by someone, who could eventually become an awesome gay partner. You should definitely show gratitude when you feel someone is “iffy” on something.

Even when we feel we have nothing to give the world, we always have love. Like time, love is one of the most cherished yet disposable attributes we uphold in life. Either can be taken away from us in a heartbeat, given to us on someone else’s terms, and we constantly need to talk about it to our beloved ones. “I’m so busy.” “I don’t have time.” “I don’t want to be alone.” “I’d rather be single.” Gosh, for individuals that care so much about something like time and love, we sure do have our mouths around some pessimistic lemons. I wish recognizing and believing a loving gesture would be so easy without expectations of someone thinking there was an “agenda.” To the human experience, unconditional love will almost always have conditions because we made them.

For a lot of others, the new year isn’t so glamorous about being “their ultimate self” or being focused to get to their goal weight. A lot of times, the new year becomes stressful to some about a to-do list that can be seen as overwhelming and unattainable. I had a plan for last year and it didn’t work out at all. However, a different plan came to fruition and I was able to strengthen friendships, help some friends in need, travel, and figure out what I am truly good at in my career and as a potential gay partner. It was a win.

My goal for this year is to relax and take every experience as something where I have a few key expectations, but I’m also giving wiggle room for my sanity. The last minute adjustments or the mind game I place to make a tasty glass of lemonade from unpredictable lemons will quench the thirst I have to be better. I’ll always be learning something new, which is something that will never feel sour.

 

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